J-o-e Posted September 22, 2004 Report Share Posted September 22, 2004 Please Give Me Feedback ------------------------------------------------- Jealousy Starts Written By J-o-e me and you were the best who knew our love would be put to the test i loved you and all i wanted was you you came into my vowes for you just to say i do my teenage sweetheart gone in a blink of an eye from then on i swore than i just wanted to die i loved you but never got you the way i wanted and those who did, almost seemed that they flaunted my dream made me think me and you could be true who knew that would be smashed into just a few peices, leaving my heart in broken bits on the floor all you had to say is i wanted to leave, not pack up and leave the door leavin me on my own and i was scared i admit it i was afraid of me being cared you had this guy and i was to afraid i wasnt thinkin in my mind just to get laid i wanted you for your sense of humour who knew that i would say i would stay side by side if she had a tumour her guy wanted to kill me at first for whatever it was worth to kill be at my birth this is the story of broken hearts nah **** that, its the story of jealously starts Who Knew That Jealousy Would Affect Us All What Would You Do If Your Girl Would Just Fall For Another Guy Who's Paper Is Half Than Yours When Your The One Who's Selling Sold Out Tours (x2) 2002, my life ended you said please dont be offened im getting over my ex but he was treatin you like all he wanted was sex i hate guys like that, i hate lies like that i wanted you cause of your intellegence would conflict with mine when you broke my heart you was kind i hated that but i loved you for it i needed to feel fed up and just want to quit every girl i ever went out was never compared to you who knew that my love wouldnt be true you didnt and neither did i, so forget me and go for that other guy what was i supposed to say break my heart if you was mine we would never be apart that drunken night when we had the overnight discussion but i acted a fool, i woke up with a killer concussion and you hating me forever and never being the same but i was young and i didnt know how to play the game no haters in the world just love for my peoples wanna catch my next stage girl? its in naoples we can go for a drink and go for a chat ill be back the next day looking at the place you sat just an free chair, emptyiness just like my heart this is where jeaoulsy starts Who Knew That Jealousy Would Affect Us All What Would You Do If Your Girl Would Just Fall For Another Guy Who's Paper Is Half Than Yours When Your The One Who's Selling Sold Out Tours (x2) we go and get drunk and high together im your brother, me n you girl can be forever i know you feel me so why dont you show? true feelings to me, how could i ever stoop that low i was turning into an alcholic with broken dreams waking up to realisng everything isnt what it seems look high and look low, wherever i go you go wherever i see is you, please come back to me ill say i do ill commit, so girl just sit back in the days where you loved my jokes and little phrases but would leave me if i went through court cases hip hops in my blood and you cant see me for it i wana just call it quits, but will end up in crying fits quiet streets are near me now in the middle of the night just wonderin if you are alright all i meant was to be the best friend a girl could ever have in her life but dreams werent meant to come true cause your not my wife if i aint all that like your friends know just come to me and call me by joe young girls running in the street just ponderin the day will we ever meet again, my good friend, keep me happy by wiping and putting on our sons nappy think im moving to fast, im serouis think somethings wrong with me?, i aint delrouis so the days we our apart just remember that this song is when jealousy starts Who Knew That Jealousy Would Affect Us All What Would You Do If Your Girl Would Just Fall For Another Guy Who's Paper Is Half Than Yours When Your The One Who's Selling Sold Out Tours (x2) ----------------------------------------------- Thanks 4 Reading This Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfuqua23 Posted September 23, 2004 Report Share Posted September 23, 2004 It'z not bad. some lines just made song incomplete like... "leavin me on my own and i was scared i admit it i was afraid of me being cared" - a lil off in concept, but I get the idea. Just feels like there should be more 2 it. "again, my good friend, keep me happy by wiping and putting on our sons nappy" - same wit this. just doesn't feel like it completes the song or whatever example or point U were trying 2 get across. Plus it helps 2 type your lyrics in a proper sense. Slang is cool, but even that needs spelled right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Prince Posted September 23, 2004 Report Share Posted September 23, 2004 It's not bad, though ditto to FuQ's points. Some of it is a little mushy, and reads like it was roughly written. Try taking some more time over your rhymes. Remember that if things don't flow very well in your head, then it's likely they won't for other people. Look at some of the lines, and think on how you could improve them. Oh and also, if you punctuate your rhymes properly they will read alot easier. I noticed a lot of typos and things that ultimately lead me back to my "reads like it was roughly written" point. Other than that, you're stepping up your game... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-o-e Posted September 23, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2004 thanks fuq n prince, its coz of the beat and the way imma flow it, it will look funny reading it, but i rapped it the way i wanted to flow it, seems perfect really, i gotta get an audio up, i jus gotta get paid first Cheers J-o-e Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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