J-o-e Posted August 1, 2004 Report Share Posted August 1, 2004 (edited) im sorri if i post 2 much for ur opinoins, but your opinoins do help me as a writer to increase, so the more of your views, the better, thank you ----------------------- I Luv U, But I Hate U I luv u, but i hate you nothin better than bein disputed against you i luv u, but i need you nothin better than being hated against you (x2) *Talkin Durin Chorus* Can i tell ya'll a story, its gonna shock you about that little i-think-im-in-love-wit-u but at the same time, i hate ya, what can i do *rapping* it all started when i was an adolecent my love for you was pure, it was such a blessent i didnt even ask for your number, your friend gave it to me said you were still hung up over your ex, you needed to be free i gave you that chance, but you said no to thee i was like fine aight, fair enough, but you will be my friend i still remember the first phone call, i knew we would be friends to the end we spoke for hours every night, i got to know you but you was suprised to know that i still liked you i know you from the back of my hand but im just a man, you gotta understand i didnt mean to do what i did, i had a few to drink things rushed my head, didnt have time to think so please forgive me girl, im never gonna change im here for you, even when i was in the dope game you know i luv u, but i dnt know that i hate you at the same time remember once i made you laugh but made you cry in the same rhyme? i knew that you shined at the same time, i wasnt in the prime please forgive me, i dont want to luv u and hate u for shoutin at me soundin like an old couple, but remember dont diss j-o-e im not gonna say nefin back, and i never will but the fact reminds i hate your guts, but i love you still help me what shall i leave you in my will? help me god, i love her but i do hate her, i wont kill a animal, but i will give her fur im in a state of confusion, while my angers just an illisuion it feels like im in a glass of confused difusion chorus i cry at night, but i punch walls dont tell me it didnt mean anything about them midnight phone calls you told me everything that you didnt want anyone else to hear told me about your troubles as a i child, and why you were in fear i understood as much as i could but you knew it was a shock to me said the only thing in life you wanted was to be set free i dont understand the hate you threw at me after it went all down i said some stupid stuff, i never meant to say that you went around theres reasons for what you said to me and thats the truth of it i put it in this track and made my ****in head sick of it i kept sayin its gonna be ok, but we know now it aint cant believe i disrespected you, i was a bastard to you, you were the saint that came to my need whenever i needed you, i gave it my all when i was ridin, you came wit you were there for the call i could say you was my gangsta bitch, but nothin ever happened so suprised when i turned around and said i started the art of rappin i want to ****in hang myself with an elastic band you hate my guts, i hate them to, i do understand i wish i never had that toke of that joint but i was trying to prove a point dont do drugs girl, it wont do you no good just look at me, i said something, and now i should really apologyze for makin cry your eyes out, kept shouting it didnt stop me retaliation, so much debating and doubting all i know that is i aint gonna leave you untill you say we cool but that will never come at all, i had a huge crush on you at school you knew that, i still do have that crush i said it to your face that i thought you were fine, made you blush i remember the times where we chilled together, drank together but now them memories have faded to the back of my mind, no more forever i love you so much, but i hate that i had to touch you musta felt like mc hammer when he said you cant touch this i didnt do anything bad, i wasnt drunk enough to go in for the kiss you hit me hard when you said the stuff i didnt want to hear but its all gone, memories are all alone, i loved you for about a year im diggin you baby girl so come to my life told me about the pressures of your so called life, wantin to grab a knife i wanted you to be my wife, a perfect couple but then i did stupid **** that got me in so much trouble i got you wit your man, i was still in love remembered the times we shared, imma still look at you from above i deserve to die, no wonder you cried, its a hard situation **** sake i had my god damn sick bastard frustration, feel me? chorus Bridge: *Scratching Through Words* I, I, I, Luv U But I, I, I, Hate You I, I, I, Mistreated You I, I, I, Never Beat You But But But *fading* finish. ---------------------- thanks 4 readin Edited August 1, 2004 by J-o-e Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Prince Posted August 1, 2004 Report Share Posted August 1, 2004 [quote=J-o-e,Aug 1 2004, 12:11 PM]Why Is There A Tear In Your Eye - Written By J-o-e im here to make you smile, but you want to cry one question may i ask, why is there a tear in your eye im proud of you and thats why you shouldnt have a tear dont worry baby girl, j-o-e's here to rest the one important fear ive put my name on the plate and baby thats where i be cruisin down the west side my ambition to be free wind blowing threw my hair nothing can be better my homies shed a tear from your last love letter im heartbroke and im stuck in the middle and wont come out its like when im doing this little riddle and i just want to shout because the words wont come out, sign on the dotted line thats where my heart is baby girl, i got you freaked, thats just fine let me lay you down and get you to listen to some marvin gaye till i say theres another way, the best thing for us to do is hope for a better day being broke by your love is draining, tears got it raining and it wont stop untill your back in my life, im just training for a bigger heartbroke, you got the tear on your cheek whys that? im back here for a few words, a few verbs and some malt liqouir drink shot after shot so that **** gets to your head quicker alcholol got to my head and im going to die i know i will paraniod untill my life is safe, even if i have to kill god dont make me take another life in lives of sin got me sitting here talkin about your my next of kin i picture home me and you all alone, turn of the phone champange pops glass breaks, turn down the lights and set the tone play romantic music and lets get to romantic love let me declare my love untill we are both above your my soul mate the reason i live, so why do you cry? forget the tear wipe it off your cheek, theres no longer a tear in your eye chorus take my love step by step because im not used to this game easy relationship, easy strain so why do you look in shame i told you once that i cant have companiship only friendship i want to fly away while you cry on my own spaceship i owe you my love and thats what i will give to you my debt is paid full, i dont wana kiss you or even pull i want to be your man understand my plan, im actin cool "**** her **** her" was what my homies will say i gotta pray so we can live together our way for another day this is it, your layin on your back on your bed this is the part which would make a brother wish he was dead he got too many questions to ask, tests to pass but if he dont try and do sumthin she would be whoopin his ass shes the queen, im the king but i dont owe a thing shes got the jewlery, all of it, even my engagement ring askin why do you have a tear in your eye wonder why you try and realise and hide your lies **** the cries its time to stop pretending its over dont be freaked out, i wont be on the beach with my range rover i tried to give you a helping hand, but then you shouted at me saying dont you understand, i want to be free its a trap but you callin me back so why's that? saying a little brat, shut up your prat i dont like to diss you but sometimes its hard fat full of lard, i'll only send you a birthday card whats your weapon of choice, only hear my voice if i drive by and blow my horn if you dont come outside, i kno it aint on, ha chorus ill do a driveby whipped with a gat i aint like that, hit a brother with a baseball bat full swing thats the way i play, robbies, my life is hard i wana live another day but without you girl that is gonna get difficultily but this is our life, it is our reality you was ridin by my side since high school what happened, we were such fools in love, its a desprate cold world out there it aint faire, bold patches in my homeboys hair stress gets closer and love gets further away but i pray, untill this day theres gotta be a better way maybe its one of those days or months or years but wipe your fears on your shirt, as with your tears why you cryin, why am i lyin a white lie goes to a massive situation but nothin happens to be except from discrimination i said this or i said that well **** you mother****ers i aint takin that i retaliate back as fast as i cock a pistol write a line with a pencil and smack em full em up with white spirit and flick ya lighter now your life seems a bit brighter your burnin just like my heart when it hurts you come back the next week and start all these flirts finish[/quote] I like the message you are giving... But the way you deliver it could be improved on. For instance, I like some of those lines, but also a few of the lines wreck the others... Read through it again and think of how you could improve some of the lines (remember, if you aren't totally happy with it then chances are other people will think similarly), I think you could have done more work on the chorus, and that very last line is weak and just wrecks the whole thing. You're improving though... Keep writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Prince Posted August 1, 2004 Report Share Posted August 1, 2004 [quote=J-o-e,Aug 1 2004, 12:11 PM]I Luv U, But I Hate U I luv u, but i hate you nothin better than bein disputed against you i luv u, but i need you nothin better than being hated against you (x2) *Talkin Durin Chorus* Can i tell ya'll a story, its gonna shock you about that little i-think-im-in-love-wit-u but at the same time, i hate ya, what can i do *rapping* it all started when i was an adolecent my love for you was pure, it was such a blessent i didnt even ask for your number, your friend gave it to me said you were still hung up over your ex, you needed to be free i gave you that chance, but you said no to thee i was like fine aight, fair enough, but you will be my friend i still remember the first phone call, i knew we would be friends to the end we spoke for hours every night, i got to know you but you was suprised to know that i still liked you i know you from the back of my hand but im just a man, you gotta understand i didnt mean to do what i did, i had a few to drink things rushed my head, didnt have time to think so please forgive me girl, im never gonna change im here for you, even when i was in the dope game you know i luv u, but i dnt know that i hate you at the same time remember once i made you laugh but made you cry in the same rhyme? i knew that you shined at the same time, i wasnt in the prime please forgive me, i dont want to luv u and hate u for shoutin at me soundin like an old couple, but remember dont diss j-o-e im not gonna say nefin back, and i never will but the fact reminds i hate your guts, but i love you still help me what shall i leave you in my will? help me god, i love her but i do hate her, i wont kill a animal, but i will give her fur im in a state of confusion, while my angers just an illisuion it feels like im in a glass of confused difusion chorus i cry at night, but i punch walls dont tell me it didnt mean anything about them midnight phone calls you told me everything that you didnt want anyone else to hear told me about your troubles as a i child, and why you were in fear i understood as much as i could but you knew it was a shock to me said the only thing in life you wanted was to be set free i dont understand the hate you threw at me after it went all down i said some stupid stuff, i never meant to say that you went around theres reasons for what you said to me and thats the truth of it i put it in this track and made my ****in head sick of it i kept sayin its gonna be ok, but we know now it aint cant believe i disrespected you, i was a bastard to you, you were the saint that came to my need whenever i needed you, i gave it my all when i was ridin, you came wit you were there for the call i could say you was my gangsta bitch, but nothin ever happened so suprised when i turned around and said i started the art of rappin i want to ****in hang myself with an elastic band you hate my guts, i hate them to, i do understand i wish i never had that toke of that joint but i was trying to prove a point dont do drugs girl, it wont do you no good just look at me, i said something, and now i should really apologyze for makin cry your eyes out, kept shouting it didnt stop me retaliation, so much debating and doubting all i know that is i aint gonna leave you untill you say we cool but that will never come at all, i had a huge crush on you at school you knew that, i still do have that crush i said it to your face that i thought you were fine, made you blush i remember the times where we chilled together, drank together but now them memories have faded to the back of my mind, no more forever i love you so much, but i hate that i had to touch you musta felt like mc hammer when he said you cant touch this i didnt do anything bad, i wasnt drunk enough to go in for the kiss you hit me hard when you said the stuff i didnt want to hear but its all gone, memories are all alone, i loved you for about a year im diggin you baby girl so come to my life told me about the pressures of your so called life, wantin to grab a knife i wanted you to be my wife, a perfect couple but then i did stupid **** that got me in so much trouble i got you wit your man, i was still in love remembered the times we shared, imma still look at you from above i deserve to die, no wonder you cried, its a hard situation **** sake i had my god damn sick bastard frustration, feel me? chorus Bridge: *Scratching Through Words* I, I, I, Luv U But I, I, I, Hate You I, I, I, Mistreated You I, I, I, Never Beat You But But But *fading* finish.[/quote] Just wondering why you changed this post from being the last one, then edited that out and put in this one instead? Will give my views on this one later today Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfuqua23 Posted August 1, 2004 Report Share Posted August 1, 2004 It's a very stress released song 4 relationships. Some lines I found similar 2 my life R stuff I may have wrote about. Like calling a girl as a friend but liking her all the same. Another I'll point out is the death in the 3rd verse. I did similar wit "Pick Up Ur Tearz". (perhaps I'll post it 2day). U'd definately use an R&B type beat, considering the length of the lines. The song was of very great detail. Probably one I could listen 2 if presented right. Everything was good. U will be better in due time. (if U stick wit it). keep it up :thumb: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigted Posted August 1, 2004 Report Share Posted August 1, 2004 I like the song, you did a great job expressing your feelings, is that a true story? It reminds me of how I feel about a girl that I know, we talk a lot and I like her a lot but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time on her and I don't know why I feel that way sometimes. :dunno: The only suggestion I make is go over the song and say it out and you'll see that a couple lines you could add or take out certain words and it'll flow better, other than that though great job! Keep on speaking from your heart and you'll get better! :thumb: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-o-e Posted August 1, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2004 the reason i posted this song instead of the orginal song i was going to post was because i didnt think it was the write one to show, im glad for your responses, i read them through, none of these songs are completed and probably never will be, i will keep reminding myself of my detail or better lines to put into all my songs, im just showing you the best of my ability, but i still need to work on my own flow, J-o-e PS. it is a real story Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfuqua23 Posted August 1, 2004 Report Share Posted August 1, 2004 I knew it was a real story, considering the advanced detail of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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